his voice

Saying we live our lives for our children seems normal and makes sense. We raise them. We guide them through young adulthood. My most beautiful and proudest moments of my life are with my boys. After the sudden tragic loss of a child this meaning becomes something all together different. It's something I'd never wish on anyone. It's painful beyond belief, and as I type this 394 days since Gavin died, I'm still in total disbelief that my strong, brilliant, creative, larger than life son is gone. The past few days I’ve heard his voice saying “Yeah Ma!…” which is what he would say when I would yell “Hey G!…” I can hear him say this in my head. Maybe I keep hearing him say this because he knows I always have so much to tell him. I know he listens, it’s not getting a physical response from him that is most difficult. I remember many years ago a friend that has older kids than mine would tell me that the relationship gets even better as they get older. At the time I guess I didn’t quite understand what that really meant, but as I watched my boys grow and in the last few years gosh I totally get it! Yes, I’m mom but as Gavin grew he also became my best friend. I loved this, it’s like a giant gift your given as they grow older that you don’t realize you will get. A surprise! Being a young mom, I felt as if I was growing along side my kids, and if I’m being honest I learn just as much from them as they do from me. They taught me unconditional love. Gavin specifically taught me empathy and how sensitivity can be someone’s greatest strength. being their mother is my greatest gift, I’ve always known that.

On June 27th 2021 my job as Gavin’s mom became even more important because I'm going to have to find a way to become his voice. Not only to stop preventable deaths from Type 1, but to continue to spread his joy, and love for life like he did for 22 years. The feeling of unconditional love was extremely apparent when in his presence. So many of his friends have told me how G made them feel loved and important. When he was around you knew it, and I still feel this way. Somehow he manages to blow a strong wind in my direction right when I need it most. I compare his spirit to grace, so intentional and present, and BIG. I always felt completely safe with G, when he was there I knew nothing could hurt me. He’s always been wiser than me. I loved having an answer to one of his questions because when I did he’d have a look of amazement like he was proud of me. Tragic loss takes away any and all control as a parent. Bringing him back for myself, his brother, his family and friends is not an option and the loss of control is sometimes unbearable. Everyday feels different but the underlying emptiness is always there. I like to think because our love for one another was so giant the yearning and desperately wanting to go back in time and save him is taking up just that, a ton of space. It hurts deeper because the love is so deep. A mothers love for her children is unique. It's created before they are even born, so I often ask myself why shouldn't it grow after losing him? This love continues to grow every minute of everyday. My hope is that through this Foundation, this website, these words lives will be saved. I’m prepared to be his voice for as long as I’m here breathing. I’m prepared to be loud!