turning loss into more love
I often think about all the things we will miss experiencing with Gavin since his death. I know it’s part of the process we call grief (I’m determined to find a better word). I understand the “missing” is heavy because of the amount of love there is. I understand the loss feels unbearable all the time. For right now I’m going to talk about all the things I did get to experience through Gavin’s life. Although 22 years was not nearly enough time with him, we all have beautiful memories and emotions forever with us because of our time we did have together.
I remember him as a baby about six months old floating in the lake for the first time. He sat for a very long time in a raft so content, the sun shining down. I remember taking him to a sandy beach for the very first time and thinking, what will he do? He sat up straight, pushed his tiny toes into the sand, looked at me and dad. Then he pounded his fists into the sand and smiled, and his smile turned into a giant belly laugh. Of course after that he took a handful of sand and in his mouth it went! Then when he was only two and a half years old I remember Hayden bringing him to the hospital to see his brother for the first time. I was holding Mason, G was holding flowers, and dad was holding him. His giant head came down and kissed me, but he was only interested in his tiny baby brother. It was magic. Then came gentle kisses and questions, along with that giant love.
As he grew I realized G was born with an uncanny amount of empathy. I always called him sensitive but what it really was, he could feel others emotions. Not only people, animals too! One of the first things that popped into my head the night he died was that he will never get to be a father. I cried and cried (and here I go again) and I said to his dad “he would have been the BEST father” we both obviously agreed. As I type this 422 days later I still think about it, but I also remember what we were able to witness.
I watched my guy fall in love for the first time. I watched him gently care for someone else. Not that I was surprised but I watched him help others intimately navigate different relationships and tough situations. When I think “he would have made the best dad” my thoughts turn to the hundreds of kids he cared for as a camp counselor. I always say it takes a special kind of person to take on a job like that, they clearly don’t do it for the paycheck. I also think as much as they give to the kids, what Gavin and his camp counselor friends got out of the experience is so much more! As a parent I learned so much from my boys, I can only imagine the life lessons Gavin took away from camp summer after summer. Some things I know for sure is the ability to trust yourself and others. G already knew how to love unconditionally, but caring for others day after day gave him the fuel to use what he learned at camp in other areas of his life. I’m so grateful for that.
So many people have reached out to me since he died and have told me stories about how Gavin cared about them or included them this way or that way. They not only gave me the details but most importantly they have told me how Gavin made them feel. It’s true, we really do remember how someone makes us feel. There is a quote by Maya Angelou… “People may not remember exactly what you did or what you said. But they will remember how you made them feel.” I want to share this because I believe that we all have the opportunity to make people feel good, just like Gavin did. I think its all part of us losing him. If this is the reality, then I think we should continue to act with kindness and because he is not physically here we can all be his voice. ⚡⚡⚡
The day they met. Pure joy and always BIG LOVE!