unselfish love
I’ve been thinking a lot about the term “unconditional love”. I understand it. I just wonder if its sometimes out of reach. As a mother I definitely feel unconditional love for my children. I would do anything to protect them and protect our love. I wonder if the love we feel is truly unconditional? I think it is a feeling or emotion that is given without requiring anything in return. Sometimes I think a more suited name would be unselfish love. A love that is given even when it’s hard, even when you feel perhaps the other person has broken your heart. The love is so strong it can bare the hurt, and almost fight back with immense unselfish love. I believe it can go back and forth throughout relationships. Sometimes you are the receiver of such love and sometimes you are the one that has to express the super power of unselfish love! I believe the more you practice the easier it gets to forgive and every time the love grows.
When it comes to my grief sometimes I truly loathe my love super power. I know the reason my pain is almost unbearable at times is because of the immense love that G and I had for one another. Sometimes its like I can’t catch my breath, the heaviness is so big, and I think… duh that’s our BIG LOVE. All love is different, one cannot be replaced with another. The love I feel from one person feels different than from another, not better or worse, just different. I think it can intertwine when it comes to your children and close family or friends, like a love kaleidoscope. I seek joy. Joy is what saves me most days. I’m left with Gavin’s legacy, wow what a giant force that is. I’m grateful that he left me with this enormous job to keep that positive energy alive here for everyone. It’s my favorite job. I see Gavin in his brother, his friends, in a smile from a stranger. I crave these visions that seem to turn into real life joyfulness.
With the current state of the world I find it hard to capture lightness and joy on a regular basis. I’m grateful to be able to have the power to find calm and kindness in nature, books, and movement. When it feels like I’m drowning in sadness, craving a hug from my guy so badly that my chest physically feels heavy, somehow I manage to make it through. Its not an easy journey to the other side of that, it hurts. Then when I make it through that’s not easy either, because the reality is that the void is not going away. I’m learning how to keep breathing and stay steady. It’s not easy but it’s part of my journey and most days feels like it takes all of me to survive it. As I type this in a busy coffee shop and feeling all these emotions I looked out onto the busy street and a young man is just in front of the window I’m sitting at across the street. He is juggling 3 different colored balls right next to my parked car. Just another sign from Gavin who taught himself how to juggle one day because he could truly do anything!
I’ve learned so many things from my children. One of the most important things they have taught me is that you can’t love too big. There is no such thing.
If my love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
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